Monday 21 January 2019

Just Done

Towards the end of 2018, I ended a friendship with one of my best friends. In January or February of 2018, she started an affair with a married co-worker. She too is married. As of November, the last time I really spoke to her, she was still involved with him. She thought she was in love with him and thought of him as her boyfriend. 

She used me in a VERY messed up game that she was playing. Her "boyfriend" also used me as a pawn in order to "get back at" people he didn't like, and to reassure my former friend. Things spiraled out of control and over 20 people ended up in an unnecessary, painful, stressful situation. The result of what they did affected people in life changing ways...this was not a small situation. 

Of all the people who know of and were involved in the situation, most of them think that I was treated the most unfairly and harshly, with greatest consequences. There was a whole aspect of my life that was turned upside down and torn apart. I don't know if I was treated the most unfairly, but I agree that I had the greatest consequences. I am still dealing with and wading through those consequences from two months ago. I am optimistic that things will work out and be resolved, but as of right now, there is no end in sight.

In the immediate aftermath, I cut her out of my life. I didn't talk to her, and I prevented her from talking to me- blocking and deleting her. 

She and I eventually had a very short conversation, where my goal was to tell her that I wasn't mad or upset with her...I had accepted the situation and moved on. I had no intention of rekindling our friendship, but I wanted her to know I had no ill will. 

Her goal was to tell me how much I hurt her by blocking her, how unfairly I had treated her, that I hadn't acted like a friend...essentially tell me I am bad person, guilt trip me, and play the role of victim. As far as she was concerned, I was making up things that had happened to me- even though I was flat out told that what was happening to me was a result of something she had said and done, which I told her. She told me she couldn't talk about it and proceed to update me on her life, as if nothing had happened. I was a little surprised-as she identifies as a Christian and says she wants to do the right thing, and be a good person- that she refused to take ownership for her role, her refusal to apologize for- or even acknowledge- the damage she created.

I, in good conscience and good faith, could not be friends with someone like her- liar, cheater, consistent stupid decision maker, hurting innocent people, backstabbing her best friend, frequently selfish and self absorbed, etc. I deserved better than that. Plus, you are who you associate with and I did not want to be associated with all of that. Our conversation reaffirmed to me that I had done the right thing in ending our friendship.

We hear it all the time- know when to cut your losses and move on. Easier said than done, I know. A lot of times you just need to be done...with situations, people. Sometimes there is just no working things out...because there is no positive resolution, because the other person doesn't deserve to still be in your life, because you can't reach a resolution, because...because...because...

You can just walk away.

You don't need to harbour resentment or bad feelings. You can just say "I'm done" and move forward with your life. You don't need to justify or explain why you are done. You can be done with things over big situations- like mine- or it can be over small things that bother you but are insignificant to others. You don't need to rehash things, you don't have to try and work things out, and you do not need to accommodate anyone else.

Know yourself worth and value.

Just be done. 

It's ok to be done.


  1. My friend thank you for sharing this. I steuggle with this daily with my ex best friend who said i ruined her wedding etc... This made me see things differently so thank you

  2. Wow. And Yes, let's be done :)