Mourning What Will Never Be

I can't believe that today is the last day of my vacation! I've been off from work for over two weeks. Our office was actually closed from Dec 24 and re-opened on Jan 2, so I really only took 4 days off- Dec 20, Dec 23, Jan 2 and Jan 3...except I worked from home on Dec 20 and I did some work stuff today...so only  days.

But I did have a fantastic time off, which was filled with family, friends, hockey and, of course, the holidays. 

 

There was LOTS of hockey; Canada advances to the semi-finals at the World Juniors, the Leafs won the Winter Classic, Canada did well at the Spengler Cup. Also, the Olympic hockey team will be announced on Tuesday.

On my last day off, I refuse to do any work...anyone who knows me knows how much I love my job and how hard it is for me to stay away from my work; partly because I love it but mostly because I'm so busy, I have to work all the time to keep up.

How is my no work on my last day of vacation going?

I had a voice mail from my boss.

I had a text message conversation with my counterpart.

I had a BBM conversation with our Financial Coordinator.

I called my office and spoke to a co-worker, asking her to check my calendar for me so I can schedule a meeting. We also chatted about a work related item she is doing on my behalf (apparently it couldn't wait until Monday).

I had a chain of emails (between my two bosses, myself, and two other colleagues) sent to my personal email. I'm fighting the urge to reply to these emails. 

So, it's not really going that great.

Something I did do today, which I was excited about, was have lunch with a friend! She and I haven't been able to connect for a couple of months...we're never in the same town at the same time. It was so, so, so great to see her and get caught up. She had an experience which set off a domino effect in her life; all good things. 

 

Before I could update her on my life...she had to ask. 

 

Now is a good time to mention that this friend is a psychic. 

 

She asked a question about a situation in my life, knowing that something was going on. I answered her question and she then went on to tell me more about this situation. 

 

I know I'm being vague...but this situation is something that I have not addressed (likely will not address) here. While I do not want to go into details, I do want to say this.

 

I am now doubting myself. 

 

Maybe I made the wrong choice. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I shouldn't have given up so easily. Maybe I need to have more faith. Maybe I need to try again. Maybe It's not over. Maybe I still have a chance. Maybe... Maybe... Maybe.

 

I was so sure...

 

Maybe I need to be patient and see how everything plays out. Be passive aggressive and see what happens. 

I know she didn't tell me what she told me to make me doubt myself. 

 

She did offer insight into the situation. She gave me things to think about. A different perspective.

I had been looking at this situation from my point of view, doing what I needed to do, thinking about me. Her words reminded me that there is another side, it's not just about me. 

 

She also mentioned that I'm going through a process and that it's important for me to go through this, through the emotions. 

 

To me, the most profound thing she said, was that I'm not just mourning what was...I'm mourning what will never be. 

 

I had worked for years towards something- an idea, a life. All that time, effort and energy...and it's not going to happen. Not even remotely close.

 

It's a hard reality for me to realize, and accept, not only that the immediate situation didn't end the way I wanted, but what I had unknowingly been working towards all these years isn't going to happen either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I know that this post wasn't all that positive...but I did enjoy lunch and catching up with this friend. There was a lot of good, a lot of laughs. The conversation that inspired this post was very, very brief. I love spending time with this friend...she's so great, interesting and fun. But every once in a while, she'll say something in passing that will make me think.)